Hermetically sealed in a Sydney YHA

There's always someone who spoils it for everyone else isn't there? You know who I mean: The selfish git who decided he wasn't going to give way to any traffic, thereby ensuring the invention of the traffic light; the UK fun police (all 3 of em) who decided to take offence at Brand and Ross's silly radio prank which led to one of them resigning and the other returning after a 3 months' suspension period as a watered down, sorrier version of himself; the psycho who decided to go out in a blaze of glory by gunning down a class of students, so that all schools have to spend their hard won budgets on turning themselves into Fort Knox;

And now the fruit loop who decided that throwing themself out of a hotel window would be the answer to all their problems, without due consideration of the consequences for millions of non-suicidal hotel guests. The end result of these nutters' selfish actions is that hotels the world over now come with rooms that have non-opening windows. At best these windows open a few centimetres. At worst they don't open at all. And when windows don't open at all in 30° heat without any air conditioning in the room, the urge to hyperventilate and fall down a lot is overpowering.

This was the situation we found ourselves in on a recent trip to Sydney. We had gone to spend the weekend there to see Top Gear Live (which was Top Banana), catch up with a friend and generally have a fab weekend eating our way around the splendid eateries of the big smoke. In fact we succeeded in our mission to find fab eating places: China town, the Spanish quarter and of course the Lindt Chocolate cafe in Darling Harbour!

We booked ourselves into the Sydney Central YHA and had almost got quite excited by the modern, funky reception area in a refurbished heritage listed building. We were also fairly pleased with our first impressions of the room: spacious, quiet and a great en suite bathroom. However, after less than 2 minutes, it became apparent that the windows were sealed shut and there was no air conditioning on a weekend where the temperature was forecast to reach 40°. Having watched me look wildly around the room and scrabble at the windows for a source of air, Dave left me semi-expired on the bed to see what the YHA staff on reception had to say about the lack of oxygen.

The answer was a sympathetic shoulder shrug and a desk fan. And whilst this desk fan was gratefully received, it remains the case that had it not been for the countless imbeciles hurtling themselves into the afterlife from their hotel rooms, we could have just opened the windows to let some air in. Without the need to run a fan, it would have been the more environmentally friendly option. Which just goes to show that hotel room jumping numpties are not only ensuring that we asphyxiate on our mini breaks, they are contributing to the hole in the ozone layer. Get the b******s! Wait - no, it's too late.

Driving in Australia: The definitive guide

I've already done some serious amounts of whinging on this blog about the ridiculousness that is driving in Australia, particularly Queensland, and the road rules that people are largely ignorant of. But in view of the fact that we have more overseas visitors coming to stay in a couple of weeks, it's time to compile all that negativity in one place and have done with it.


To be clear about this, I have good grounds to be concerned for my innocent pommie friends who are, as yet, unaware of the dangers that await them on the treacherous roads of Queensland: So far since the new year (and 2009 is only 2 weeks old) there have 5 deaths on the roads in the Sunshine Coast region alone. The Australian media keep a running total of deaths on the roads in each state during the holiday periods as though they were reviewing the football scores. So whilst my friends are indeed coming from that famously perilous land of the M6 motorway and the M25 car park, they have yet to encounter the Australian version of highway silliness.


Here is my list of what to watch out for if you ever have to fend for yourself amongst the traffic down under:


1. Roundabouts: Suicidal. Enter at your own risk. It's crazy but true - navigating a roundabout is not part of a driving test in Australia, therefore nobody bothers to learn how to do it properly. And Noosa, for example, is full of em. If you generally expect the very worst on approaching one of these mortal combat zones, you might just come through unscathed.


Do not expect anybody to be indicating correctly so you'll never know when they're coming off the roundabout. There will also be a certain amount of lane switching as nobody knows which lane to be in for the appropriate exit. Also, expect the odd numpty to randomly launch their all-terrain, ozone-blowing ute at you from an approach road whilst you're actually on the roundabout.


When exiting a roundabout in the UK, the default lane is usually the left one. If you move over to the left hand lane in oz, the person who's trying to 'undertake' you on the inside lane will be honking their horn belligerently. I have yet to establish which lane to end up in after leaving the roundabout if there's a dual carriageway situation since, more often than not, the inside lane will magically disappear after a few hundred yards.


2. Traffic police: They will enforce their humour on you, they do not appreciate it in return - it won't get you off a ticket. They work to a quota, they are not allowed to use discretion - they will always fine you if you've been pulled over. They can be found loitering in school zones(40km/h during drop off and pick up times), in inconspicuous white vans (never with any markings on the back) at the side of the motorway and in places where they know drivers are likely to be confused, ie. where the speed limit has inexplicably just changed or where the road markings don't make any sense. They are never found where they are most needed, ie. roundabouts that nobody knows how to use, or chasing joy riders ("hoons"). It is also worth knowing that Queensland Roads make little effort to change a renowned road hazard, they merely ensure a traffic cop is posted there to scoop up the revenue from drivers who can't work it all out.


3. Pedestrian crossings: Potentially fatal for a pedestrian but it's illegal not to use them. Watch out for cops here too as you can be fined for crossing when the red man is showing or if you cross within a certain distance of a pedestrian crossing. It's very disconcerting to be crossing safely at the designated point only to find cars still hurtling towards you. This is because they still have a right of way after people have finished crossing, even if the green man is flashing. So it is not uncommon to be harassed out of the middle of the pedestrian crossing by impatient drivers nudging their way closer towards you and your shopping, especially during rush hour in the city. It must be the single most stupid traffic system I have ever come across.


4. Tailgating: Is probably responsible for most of the accidents round here. Drivers just simply don't understand how dangerous it is, especially in wet conditions. Clearly, they think that the weekly accident statistics will not apply to them. If you find yourself being tailgated, get out of the way if you can. No amount of powerful windscreen washer use will put off those thick buggers behind you.

5. The Bruce Highway: It looks like a motorway, you use it like a motorway, but I seem to be mistaken. I've suspected it wasn't really a motorway ever since I have encountered the following:

• a cyclist cycling past the end of the slip road I was trying to use to merge onto the moto..er...dual carriageway
• a motorist parked on the edge of the outside lane taking a photo
• a ute driver doing a U-turn across the central reservation
• a cyclist cycling down the middle of the outside lane towards me

6. Parking: Except for in the big cities, most car parks are usually free. When parking on the street, look out for signs and which direction other cars have parked in, ie. reversed in. You can be fined by the traffic gestapo for parking the wrong way round.

In conclusion, it must be remembered that motorists, particularly in Queensland, are used to driving on empty roads (compared to our sardine like driving conditions in the UK). Your average aussie is polite and friendly enough by day, but get them behind the wheel of a car and they become blinkered, selfish fiends. Whilst, aggressive driving is more prevalent in Blighty than here, so far, don't ever expect to be let into a stream of traffic in Australia and always expect somebody to pull out suddenly in front of you.

As though it were final proof of this egocentricity, there is no recognised 'thank you' sign amongst Australian motorists. You can bet that anyone who does use a thank you signal is really a secret pom.


The emergency number to ring is 000. Happy motoring!