Flying to the other side of the world

Don't do it - would be my advice. But since it's probably the only realistic way for you to get to see the Sydney Opera House/London Eye/Granny-who-still-thinks-you-teach-in-a-village-in-Northamptonshire-cos-everyone's-too-scared-to-tell-her-the-truth (delete as applicable), and you probably don't want to spend $10,000 and 51 days at sea (one way), then read on.

My most recent experience was with Etihad, a newish airline who are the official airline of the UAE, which is, as you ALL know, next door to Saudi Arabia and across the Arabian Gulf from Iran. And the capital of the UAE is...?....Come on, come on....... Abu Dhabi, of course. Duh. Knowing all this geography though, having googled it first, had the exact opposite effect of inspiring me with confidence before I travelled. So did the photo I found online of a crumped up Etihad Airbus A340. Apparently it parked itself into a wall during testing at Airbus HQ. I booked Etihad cause it was cheap. Funny that.

As it turned out, my flights (all four of them) were fine and certainly comparable with Singapore and Emirates Airlines. The service was good, the cabin was nice, possibly even a couple of extra centimetres of leg room in cattle class, and 10" tvs, apparently, with a reasonable selection of movies and programmes. The food was OK too considering its parameters, ie. the need to be flat. However, in terms of route I prefer the Singapore way: 12 hours from Manchester to Singapore, change planes at Changi airport, play with the funky free internet, have a shower, maybe even a swim if you're really quick, then another 6 hours to Brisbane. Job done. Etihad's version seemed more convoluted: 7 hours from Manchester to Abu Dhabi, change planes,wander round and round the floor to ceiling blue and green tiled donut that is Abu Dhabi airport, 7 hours to Singapore, kill about an hour, go through 3rd lot of screening to get back on same plane to Brisbane.

Landing at Manchester at six in the morning was an eye opener. It was deserted. I sailed straight through passport control and customs, smirking at the non European passport holders, and straight into the arrivals lounge where my backpack instantly fell off my trolley before I could run in slow motion to my waiting Mum, having not seen her in 3D for a year. Mum - who had got up at three in the morning to drive down from the Lakes to get me and who drove me back at frighteningly break neck speed whilst listening to Wogan and had me back at home by 8am. Unfortunately, this early morning arrival meant that I had to try and stay awake all day until bedtime in order to synch myself with UK time. I gave up at around 3 o'clock.

On the way back to oz I was a bit unnerved by the fact that the ground support crew at Abu Dhabi had forgotten to load on a few of the freebies, eg. pillow, flight socks, etc. It left me wondering what else they might have forgotten: The rehydrated dinner à la tray? Wheels? Pilot? Well anyway, I got there in one piece although my eyes were totally shot and possibly standing on stalks after 24 hours of goggling at 10" of 'big-screen excitement', 4" away from my face. Diver Dave was very pleased to see me and whisked me off to breakfast at one of our old haunts in Brisbane's West End.

I believe that after flying a round trip of 22,000 miles I now have enough Etihad air miles to get me from Jeddah to Muscat. Whoopee! Now, where's that tea towel.....?