Public Transport: Aussies whinge too

Picture the scene. You're on a long, late night train ride out of the city back to the sticks. You've been shifting about in your seat for ages trying to find a comfy snoozing position. You're now on your third seat because this one doesn't involve you having to pull your head back onto your shoulders after it's lolled off. You're just drifting off nicely when suddenly, a gruff aussie voice shocks you back into consciousness by shouting, "Which station are you getting off at?" before moving off to the next carriage to repeat the question.

This is the standard procedure practised by Queensland Rail (QR) conductors every evening on the Brisbane to Nambour service. They go along the whole train, writing down everybody's destinations. They do it so they don't have to stop at all the stations and can practice breaking their own rail speed record in getting to the other end. God help you if you're unfortunate enough to be waiting to get on at any of these optional-ised stations. But it suits me.

Getting the train between the Sunshine Coast and Brisbane two or three times a week clearly qualifies me as an expert on all things rail in Queensland. So let me start by saying that my experiences on QR have been fine in comparison to others commuters, judging by all the complaining that goes on in the letters page of Brisbane's free MX newspaper. And they say that poms whinge!

Using my student id card I get half price travel (wouldn't get that in New South Wales) everywhere in Queensland. These days I use a student Go card - a bit like the Smart card in London -so that I don't have to stand in a queue to buy a ticket. I can load money onto it at a machine or online and use it to touch on and touch off on any train, bus or city cat service.

My train is pretty much on time every day. The only time it might be delayed is if it has to shunt backwards and forwards on the line a few times to let another train pass by on the single track. But I can live with that; it's quirky. I can live with listening to the same old 50% of a phone call: "Hello?...Hello?...Can you hear me?... Yes....I'm on a train.....ON A TRAIN......oh....tunnel.....", etc,etc.... I can put up with the tss..tss..tss.. of an ipod whose earphones are clearly too small for its owner. I have even learnt to put my snorkelling experience to good use and breath through my mouth when sitting next to somebody who's forgotten the value of personal hygiene (EVERY journey) - although I do wonder if they would get the hint if I actually did put my mask and snorkel on. Maybe even my fins for good measure. But it seems some aussie passengers are not so forgiving.

To be fair, there appears to have been an explosion in Queensland, or more specifically, Brisbane. A people explosion. Where so many people have arrived to live in the city that some of the infrastructure's beginning not to cope. The peak traffic times around Brisbane seems to be getting longer and in the CBD (central business district) at lunchtimes, simply walking around can be hazardous too. The city is full to bursting. It's no wonder they're running out of warda.

So it's common practice for stressed out city dwellers to watch their bus service go sailing straight past their stop, crammed with commuters. It's also quite common to have to stand nose to armpit on the commuter trains. Frequent aussie moans include the loud mobile conversation, minging b.o. and annoying ipod favourites. They also include the injustice of the overweight passenger taking up more than their fair share of seats, ie. yours. Also, the rudeness of pushy passengers trying to get on the train/bus first (common courtesy and good manners are still usually practised in Australia, I'm pleased to say). But the most common whinge is about QR's slackness. Elsewhere on the QR network apparently, they aren't very good at anouncing when trains are delayed or simply not going to appear. The trains can even set off too early - an unheard of concept in the UK!

But let me conclude this onewhingingpom post with a proper full on whinge. And I think it has to be the most valid and outraged one: WHY OH WHY, on a two hour rail trip, are there absoloutely no toilets on the train whatsoever? And WHY are the toilets at some stations locked up after a certain time? QR, your passengers have plumbing needs and, if you don't address them, you deserve to have to clean up the consequences.

There now. That's better.

Flying to the other side of the world

Don't do it - would be my advice. But since it's probably the only realistic way for you to get to see the Sydney Opera House/London Eye/Granny-who-still-thinks-you-teach-in-a-village-in-Northamptonshire-cos-everyone's-too-scared-to-tell-her-the-truth (delete as applicable), and you probably don't want to spend $10,000 and 51 days at sea (one way), then read on.

My most recent experience was with Etihad, a newish airline who are the official airline of the UAE, which is, as you ALL know, next door to Saudi Arabia and across the Arabian Gulf from Iran. And the capital of the UAE is...?....Come on, come on....... Abu Dhabi, of course. Duh. Knowing all this geography though, having googled it first, had the exact opposite effect of inspiring me with confidence before I travelled. So did the photo I found online of a crumped up Etihad Airbus A340. Apparently it parked itself into a wall during testing at Airbus HQ. I booked Etihad cause it was cheap. Funny that.

As it turned out, my flights (all four of them) were fine and certainly comparable with Singapore and Emirates Airlines. The service was good, the cabin was nice, possibly even a couple of extra centimetres of leg room in cattle class, and 10" tvs, apparently, with a reasonable selection of movies and programmes. The food was OK too considering its parameters, ie. the need to be flat. However, in terms of route I prefer the Singapore way: 12 hours from Manchester to Singapore, change planes at Changi airport, play with the funky free internet, have a shower, maybe even a swim if you're really quick, then another 6 hours to Brisbane. Job done. Etihad's version seemed more convoluted: 7 hours from Manchester to Abu Dhabi, change planes,wander round and round the floor to ceiling blue and green tiled donut that is Abu Dhabi airport, 7 hours to Singapore, kill about an hour, go through 3rd lot of screening to get back on same plane to Brisbane.

Landing at Manchester at six in the morning was an eye opener. It was deserted. I sailed straight through passport control and customs, smirking at the non European passport holders, and straight into the arrivals lounge where my backpack instantly fell off my trolley before I could run in slow motion to my waiting Mum, having not seen her in 3D for a year. Mum - who had got up at three in the morning to drive down from the Lakes to get me and who drove me back at frighteningly break neck speed whilst listening to Wogan and had me back at home by 8am. Unfortunately, this early morning arrival meant that I had to try and stay awake all day until bedtime in order to synch myself with UK time. I gave up at around 3 o'clock.

On the way back to oz I was a bit unnerved by the fact that the ground support crew at Abu Dhabi had forgotten to load on a few of the freebies, eg. pillow, flight socks, etc. It left me wondering what else they might have forgotten: The rehydrated dinner à la tray? Wheels? Pilot? Well anyway, I got there in one piece although my eyes were totally shot and possibly standing on stalks after 24 hours of goggling at 10" of 'big-screen excitement', 4" away from my face. Diver Dave was very pleased to see me and whisked me off to breakfast at one of our old haunts in Brisbane's West End.

I believe that after flying a round trip of 22,000 miles I now have enough Etihad air miles to get me from Jeddah to Muscat. Whoopee! Now, where's that tea towel.....?

A year in Australia

Yes - that's me snorkelling, having a whale of a time. Which is pretty appropriate given that I appear to have put on about a stone in weight since I've been in oz.

Today is the anniversary of my arrival in oz and somebody asked me to sum up my experience so far. Erm... it's a bit hard but the photo speaks volumes.

I was asked if the experience had lived up to my expectations. In truth, I didn't have any. I just hoped that going off for an adventure would open up some opportunities and make life a bit happier.

Having Diver Dave as my personal escort helped of course! No jokes about his welcome package, please. But life in Brisbane, where we started off, was fairly easy to settle into. Pleasant, tropical city with some fabulous restaurants. Apart from having a slight weeping malfunction after my first programming class, my course turned out to be fairly straight forward. Although I do have my suspicions about how my 'boat race' managed to get on the university's 'star' board for achieving top marks in one class, after having been a distinctly average student on previous university courses.

The opportunity to move to beautiful Noosa was too good to turn down and, although it meant me commuting back to Bris 3 days a week, I thought it was worth it - and it was. Life in Noosa is great; it's easier to get to know people and most people are pretty friendly and laid back. It's just a shame about the death defying roundabouts!

In lots of ways Australia is a few years behind the UK in terms of services, bureaucracy, technology and some aspects of education, for example. But that's not always such a bad thing. On the flip side of that there is courteousness and helpfulness in shops and restaurants which in the UK was probably easier to find 50 years ago.

In discussing this with other poms, the general opinion was that day to day life here isn't so much different from the UK, apart from the weather. Culturally, it's bound to be similar with all the poms settling here week after week. One area of Perth is even known as Little Britain. Australia isn't necessarily any more beautiful than the Motherland but the weather makes all the difference and it also enables more outdoor activites. So rather than being cooped up next to a fire, trying to keep warm in the UK (although I know climate change is making it warmer), everyone down under is in the sea trying to keep cool. And in Queensland, the daytime temperature rarely dips below 20 degrees in the winter. But, having said that, I would enjoy a few changes in seasons since it is always either hot or DANG hot.

What have I missed about Blighty? The important people know who they are but here's a definitive list of other stuff:
Hellman's mayonnaise, a bloody good curry, history, bisto, British telly, frosty mornings, autumn, British telly, cheap broadband, British telly and, most of all, my beloved little car.

Early last year I remember trying to describe to my bezzie mate back in the UK the notion of popping down to the beach to do a spot of snorkelling: I used to be a primary school teacher in Northampton. A good weekend might involve going out with friends or going shopping. Most of the time I was working or watching TV. Now I can go swimming with turtles and leopard sharks in the Pacific Ocean - it's 20 mins away.
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So that, as they say round here, is bonza.