Trisha for PM?

At the risk of venturing into politics, of which I know nothing, there are many reasons why I'm in Australia, not the least of which is an Alf Garnett pessimism about the mother country going to the dawgs or some such gloom and doom. And the news this week from a poll of under 25s conducted by Sky is that Britain's 'yoof' have voted Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty as their top role models. Need I say more? Ugh.

It's the same reason why I have joined the many pointless thousands on the facebook group known as 'Jeremy Clarkson should be Prime Minister'. There were a few Clarkson for PM facebook groups to choose from; I avoided the one entitled 'Jeremy Clarkson should not be PM because he is a b*nder'!

I felt compelled to join up after reading some of the thousands of comments made on Clarkson's articles that have been published on the Times website. After ten years of teaching in 'deprived' areas I was prepared to believe my view of Britain was tainted to say the least, but it was on this website that I realised I'm not alone in feeling this way about dear old Blighty.

Clarkson is not afraid to speak truth and common sense. As a born and bred leftie, it's unnerving to find myself agreeing with someone whose views seem to be more right wing than Attila the Hun. Obviously I don't agree with everything he rages on about. For example, if JC really did become PM I would immediately set up a boot camp in the UK for the nation's foxes to be trained in self defence and the use of automatic machine guns. But he is the perfect antidote to all the namby pamby, politically correct, pussy footing shuffling about in Britain's political and judiciary systems. Because this has allowed the Great Unwashed to emerge as a thick, gobby, compensation-and-every-possible-kind-of-benefits claiming, me-tooist force to be reckoned with.

And you all know who I mean; Britain's scarily expanding population of chavs. The interminable council house fodder who have slowly evolved out of the shell suit and into fake Burberry. The sort of tv viewers whose heroes and role models are reality tv 'stars' who have no sense of decorum and who are also chavs. The sort of person that appears to sprog ad infinitum with any member of the opposite sex who stumbles into view. They can do that comfortably in the knowledge that they'll get their own council house and some free money for the upkeep of all the kiddiewinks and satellite dishes. Failing that, they'll do something awful in order to get social services to take the kids off their hands, although these days it might take several attempts, more's the pity.

In discussing Britain's excessive chav-ness with the lovely Diver Dave, his attitude was typical of the politeness and liberal outlook on life of so many nice, middle class Brits; the wish to see both sides of the coin and to give everyone a chance. But chav Britain does not share this view, is only looking after number one and would like to mug anyone that earns their own money and owns their own house.

Dave suggested that newspapers such as The Sun might be responsible for influencing a large proportion of chav Britain at the next election. I pointed out that most of chav Britain doesn't read a newspaper because they're too busy watching their flat screen tellies or playing on their Playstations. They might be watching Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear, like me, but only so that they can weigh up the spec of the car they are going to steal in order to help them get away with their next drug deal/off licence raid/murder. They aren't interested in anything he actually says about the ridiculousness and pettiness of some aspects of life in Britain, not to mention the disparity in rights and legal judgements.

So if we take it as a given that nobody wants to vote for any real politicians since they are painfully out of touch with modern society and only give a monkeys about their fat perks and keeping the mistress maintained, which media phenomenon would influence the apathetic political views of chav Britain and show them all the error of their greedy ways? Which cringingly popular media experience arguably exploits Britain's underclass, whilst trying to teach them how to interact half sensibly with the rest of society? If all of chav Britain exercised their right to vote, Clarkson wouldn't stand a chance of getting in as PM. No, Trisha would win by a landslide.

Whilst it may seem very smug of me to spout off from the other side of the world about how chav-tastic Britain is becoming, let me finish with a few facts: In 2004 and 2005 (most recent figures available) 71000 poms left Blighty to make a new life in Australia. One part of Perth has so many poms living there it's known as Little Britain. As a consequence, instances of graffiti and pasty faced kids hanging around street corners wearing hoodies are on the increase there, according to expat forums. The culture of 'Shameless' is alive and growing in Western Australia. But, more worryingly (and God only know what Australians make of this when they aren't outside enjoying the sunshine and life in 3D), Trisha is shown twice a day on UKTV. Aaarrgghhh!!!!